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So I shaved off my beard last night. - MrPutter: doing things the hard way, because it is there.
January 31st, 2002
02:43 pm
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So I shaved off my beard last night.
A friend of mind said I should. He thought it would look better. I already hate it.

Why, oh why do I do that? Anyone makes any suggestions and I just follow them blindly, and always regret it. Especially when it comes to my hair. Dammit, I know the way I like it; why do I ignore that?


(damn, the spacebar on this keyboard is fux0red)



Anyway, my faithful readers (all 3 of you :-) may remember this lovelorn lament I made wayyy back in November. Well, it's a new term, so she's no longer in my class... but we still hang out a lot (this is important, as we shall see).

So yesterday I was talking to a friend (a different one), and he made some comment about my girlfriend.


"Who??!?!"

"Your girlfriend."

"???"

"You know... Nausheen."

"Oh! (laugh) Dude, she's not my girlfriend... we just hang out."

"Well, you could have fooled me... I mean, you guys are ALWAYS together. And you're ALWAYS off by yourselves somewhere. And you're ALWAYS giggling at each other. And both of you have like, withdrawn from your other friends. And you ALWAYS eat together. And..."

"Oh."

"I mean, I just assumed... Amal thought so too. And so did Tariq. And Nausheen's friend Mona figured..."

"..."

"... okay, so she's not your girlfriend. Forget I said anything."


I kinda spent the next couple hours in a daze. I had never really thought about it until then, but everything he said is pretty much true. We do always totally hang out together, off in our own world.

So now what? I had pretty much resolved not to bring it up with her. Just cuz... of the danger factor more than anything else. But...?


Is it possible that we are growing / have grown so close to each other over the last six months that it's happening anyway (listen in on some of our conversations some time, and you'd know what I mean)? I mean, if to all outward appearances we are going out (or whatever passes for that around here), might I just take the next step anyway? I mean, that's where the danger lies, really. Asking her is no longer dangerous (in the sense that it was when I wrote that post). But appearing that way can be just as dangerous (if not more so). The government officially frowns on it and while I can get away with a lot more here in the university than I could outside, all it would take would be a slip of the tongue to her parents, and... oops. Jail time for mrputter (Depending, of course, on how conservative her parents are. I've never met them). Or if a cop happens to walk by and we're a little too engrossed in each other...

But like I said, if that's how it appears anyway...


Meaning I'm presented with the hurdle of asking a "friend" to be "more than friends." Any discussion of that merits a post all on its own. Which I'll probably never get around to. Suffice it to say that I've never had a successful relationship (by any definition of the term) develop out of a pre-existing friendship. Invariably things go downhill... and not only does the relationship not work out, but I pretty much kill the friendship.

Not that we end up hating each other, but... well... there are some things that you can't pretend never happened. There's no big "Undo" button floating in the sky, in the Real World. And friendships never really work out when there's that kind of a history.

I much prefer asking out people that I don't have any investment in. So if it dies, it dies, and that's that. I would have preferred asking her back in November. But I didn't. And now...


And now.


And now I think I value the friendship more than I want a piece of ass.

Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Shakira -- Whenever, Wherever

(7 comments , Leave a comment)

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From:manic_vice
Date:January 31st, 2002 06:16 am (UTC)

My advice.

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is if you value the friendship as it is, then keep it as it is. Perhaps you should make your feelings clear to her either way. However, if you wish to pursue the relationship further, then ask her. I understand that you could get in shit if her parents are feeling particularly malicious, but isn't love worth it?

(Look who's talking about love.. sheesh.. same person who considers it a disease)

Anyways.. guess what I'm saying is if you are happy where you are, then don't move. If you want more, then move forward.

Current Mood: Interested
Current Music: Front 2 Back - Xzibit
From:starslab
Date:January 31st, 2002 01:03 pm (UTC)

Hot Damn!

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This has absolutely nothing to do with your women troubles, because i'm not qualified to comment.

That being said, lookie what I just heard of on my firewall mailing list!

I think you'll like this. It means sacrificing your webserver, I think, but it should mean that you can use other programs from your school. This would be double good if you got that (mythical) ethernet to your dorm and a working computer. I could probably even run this on my firewall box, allowing you to keep your webserver.

http://www.htthost.com/
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From:manic_vice
Date:January 31st, 2002 04:46 pm (UTC)

Re: Hot Damn!

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Skyhawk?! You have an LJ? I didn't figure you for the type of person that would care for one.. Good to see you in the community =-)

I have a favour to ask of you tho.. but I'll ask you on ICQ.
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From:ministerphobia
Date:January 31st, 2002 06:51 pm (UTC)

Re: Hot Damn!

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What's a computer?
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From:mrputter
Date:February 1st, 2002 02:20 am (UTC)

Re: Hot Damn!

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Hmmm... looks interesting, I'll admit. Although I am a bit wary after reading the part in the FAQ about Is there a chance that corporate proxy is still tracking my activity?. However I don't think I'll be in TOO much shit. I don't think. Maybe a couple of warnings... yeah, whatever.

Although they will probably also block the IP to mrhat (or Incom, or whatever), which is bad news. Hummm...

I also (as I indicated to you) really don't want to take down the webserver for anything more than a short period of time. However, yes, it does look interesting. And I'd really LOVE to be able to get back at my server from inside the university. I'll do some more investigating, mebbe.


> would be double good if you got that (mythical) ethernet to your dorm and a working computer.

Working computer, I have (more or less). $400 per term for ethernet connection, well...
From:starslab
Date:February 1st, 2002 02:32 am (UTC)

Re: Hot Damn!

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As I said, You run the HTTHost program, I think I can run the HTTProxy or whatever it's called on my Firewall box, allowing you to keep your webserver. Also remember, you said they *expelled* a student for trying to install KaZaa, IMO that's a pretty minor "hack" compared to tunneling through their proxy for unfettered access to the outside world.
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From:mrputter
Date:February 1st, 2002 06:24 am (UTC)

Re: Hot Damn!

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> IMO that's a pretty minor "hack" compared to tunneling through their proxy for
> unfettered access to the outside world.


That's very true. And very much on my mind.


However there's also the fact that he was not exactly a brilliant student to begin with... barely passing some of his courses, failing others. My being a dean's list student, however, means it's less likely that they'd expel me. Nevertheless, I am still hesitant.
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