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Confessions of a Former Sex Addict, Part 3 - MrPutter: doing things the hard way, because it is there.
April 19th, 2002
06:25 pm
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Confessions of a Former Sex Addict, Part 3
NB: This post is full of introspective and rather personal garbage. Which is not to say I don't want anyone reading it (else why would I post it at all?), but rather that if you don't want to hear my pseudo-philosohpical whining, you might be better advised to skip this one.



Ladies and Gentlemen, Girls and Boys.


Am I a prude?

Or am I just getting old?


Or, not to put too fine a point on it, what the hell is wrong with me?

Is it that I am just suffering from a lack of gonads (you want strife with that?), or am I trying to disassociate my mind from the body that inevitably follows it? The topic of today's show is SEX and why I would rather avoid it altogether. The lines are open; caller one?

You're gonna burn in hell, you fucking fag! Repent now, or feel the wrath of our Lord and Sav...

Thank you for that insightful contribution to the discussion, caller one. Next caller, please?

What's the matter; can't get lil' putter up and going anymore?

No, I wish it was that simple... they have pills for that now. No, I can still get my daily load........ actually, let's get on with the discretion here; we have that R rating to maintain. But that's totally not the problem.

The problem is that I don't want to.

No, scratch that. The problem isn't with my current (lack of) sex life at all, per sé (and that, as we shall see, is part of the problem). It's with everyone else I know. It's with my unwillingness and/or refusal to see anyone else as a sexual being. More to the point, it's with my wishing that sexual desires in human beings didn't exist.

Like I said, am I just a prude?


Now I will be referring to a friend of mine in the following several minutes, who may recognize themselves, if they are listening in. I wish to take this opportunity to stress that none of what I say is personal (or rather, that it means anything beyond exactly what I say it does), that I do not think less of them as a person, that I do not dislike who they are, and so on. I hope they will realize this and that offense is not meant by what I have to say at all.

They are being used as an example (because they happen to make a good one), not as a target.

Now I have known this friend for a long time, since considerably before either of us could believably lay claim to being sexual beings, at least outside of the schoolyard-tall-tale context.

Over the years, as both of us have grown and (naturally) developed sexual appetites, we have remained close friends (the fact that I haven't seen this person face-to-face in 8 months notwithstanding). And I value this person as a friend more than almost anyone else in the world. However, I find some of this person's sexual preferences... disquieting.

And that's gonna take one hell of a lot of qualifying.

I am not disgusted. I do not wish that I didn't know about them. I do not want anything to change in my relationship with them as a result of this discussion. I just wish... that... I dunno. I wish they didn't have sexual desires, I guess?

Because it's not their specific sexual proclivities that disquiet me, so much as the fact that they exist, as screwy as that sounds.

And again, I am using this person as an example. I don't wish that just this one specific person was like that... I wish everyone was like that. The fact that people (in general) have sex is... dammit! Why can't they just stop!?

It's a bit like that one day when you realize that your parents have sex. Ewww!


Am I just a prude?


But back to my friend. What do I wish? In one sense, I wish I could turn back the clock. Because that's what brought all this on. About half an hour ago, I picked a random CD out of my (somewhat extensive, as many of you know) collection and threw it on the player... it happened to be Ace of Base's "The Sign." In the summer of 1994, I saw this friend a good deal, and we played this album a lot (both having recently bought it). So putting it on just now brought the memories flooding back.

And they were very good memories... at which point I realized that (among other things) they were devoid of almost any sexual context whatsoever. Which set me to thinking. And brought on this whole introspection (or extrospection; as you like it).

Sure we used to look at pr0n and stuff. Hell, we used to look at my dad's pr0n in my basement years before that, even. But that's not what I'm talking about... not for the most part, anyway. I'm talking about... well, I don't know where to draw the line. But I'm talking about more "reality-based" stuff. Whatever that means.


It's like me and my girlfriend (I'm pretty sure none of my former girlfriends are tuned in to tonight's broadcast, so I guess I don't have to be as careful, or something). Yeah, I've had a couple of them.

And have we ever had sex? Have we ever made love? Have we ever screwed? Have we ever done the nasty? Have we ever done "couple-things?"

Have. We. Ever. FUCKED?



Well, of course.


But it's never been anywhere near the highlight of any of my relationships. With a number of them, we never even got around to haveing sex; it just wasn't that big a deal.

And I guess that's the way I liked it. But never really consciously realized it until now.

We'd go and screw on occasion, but outside of that, we always had other non-sexual ways of occupying each other and being intimate. And outside of the sexual act itself, never really discussed it much.

Wow. I'm realizing most of these things as I go along.


And again, that's the way I like it. I prefer to think of people completely devoid of their sexual aspects. And for the most part I do think of people like that. But often (and more and more as I -- and my friends -- get older) something will happen, or be said, to relieve me of my perfect non-sexual world. And I'm always more than a little disappointed to be brought back down to Earth like that.

And it's not stuff like "me and my girlfriend went out and...". Girlfriends (or boyfriends, as the case may be) I'm totally cool with. But thinking of my guy friends as sexual beings is just somehow... gross. Now some might chalk that up to latent homophobia. But I feel the same way about girl friends as well, and am not yet ready to ascribe that to any sort of hidden heterophobia. Or (when it comes to my church friends) to ministerphobia...

Cough.

Scratch that last.


But equally hard (and equally strange, perhaps) is thinking of myself like that. It's like a tap that I just want to shut off all the time. It's like wishing that my whole sexual urges didn't exist at all. As if I were only a mind, devoid of body and all the problems that body brings. Yeah, yeah, sex is healthy, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm still trying to float free of the tethers that bind me to a corporeal, sexual life.


So I tend to wonder if this is why I like it so much here in the UAE. Because in a strictly fundamental Islamic culture, where sex is such a big taboo, all my friendships ARE devoid of sexual context. I am able to treat other people -- and myself -- as people, not as flesh. Is that why I like it here? Is that why, over the last several years before I came back, I had been feeling ever increasingly "homesick" for this place? And why I now feel so relieved to be here? And why thinking about my infinitely less inhibited friends back in Canada troubles me so much? Have I "gone native?"

Has this place completely spoiled me?

What the hell is wrong with me?





Is there something wrong with me?



Caller three, you're on the air.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Ace of Base -- Wheel of Fortune

(4 comments , Leave a comment)

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From:robbat2
Date:April 19th, 2002 11:19 am (UTC)
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One of Marissa's friends, has an outlook similar to yours, in regarding sex as not generally wanted. If you asked her about her orientation, she would say asexual. As in biology, "without sex".

She sees it as too binding to life, and wants to stay away from that.
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From:nailbunny2000
Date:April 19th, 2002 12:07 pm (UTC)

Fucking is masturbation with a spotter.

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I do know (somewhat) how you feel.

I've sort of just put mine off to my English heritage. You know, stiff upper lip, all that stuff. Sexuality is either something flaunted extravigantly (just watch the news over there), or not talked about at all. Perhaps I've always grown up to think of it as "dirty", or perhaps I attach more meaning to it than I really should.

I havnt lost my drive all together, but I do dislike looking at people as sexual beings. It sorta degreades the whole thing. Perhaps I see it as some sort of weakness that a relationship can be brought down into some purely animalistic behavior, I'd like to think that we can have a more honest and emotional relationship without such petty concerns as sex, or fucking, or sweet lovin (sorry just had a south park moment). And it does just make me role my eyes when someone goes on and on about a major portion of their relationship as being as being sex. Dont they have anything better to do? Cant you get closer to the person on a more emotional level instead of just humping away?

Perhaps its the speed at which people approach sex at our age. It seems to be such a casual thing. Its given out so freely, it loses its meaning and is no longer as special as its been built up to be our entire lives. Perhaps THAT is what I dislike about it. Its yet another lesson we've learned from childhood that is being turned inside out once we grow up. Sorta like people who "fall in love" within a matter of weeks of meeting someone, it just makes me sick that they're attaching the most powerful word in the english language to their ridiculously short and insignifigant relationship.

But whatever, I think my tyrade was like enough.
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From:ministerphobia
Date:April 19th, 2002 03:42 pm (UTC)
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Well, since I'm all but positive that I am the "example" here, I'll make my post with that assumption.

First off, I don't mind being the example. I know that our tastes in sexual activities are quite different. I'd actually spent a good number of years being careful to not bring some of them up around you for exactly this reason. But when you left, and text became our method of communication, for some reason, it seemed easier to bring it up with you being able to hear/read about it.

I'm quite aware that some of my preferred sexual activites are far outside the "norms" of society, so if bringing them up and making them a closer subject to your life has made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry for that, but the simple fact is that I do do these things, so I don't see a reason to hide them. The only people that I'm still careful around are my parents, and I really don't know why either. My parents are probably the most tolerant people I know when it comes to differences in society, and still, there's that part of me that worries what they might say.

Maybe I should have been more discreet about my sexual prefrences around you, I always tried to be before. All of my friends knew, except you, about what I was into and what I had done in the past. Honestly, though, I don't regret you knowing. I've long considered you to be among my bestest friends. Maybe it's my holding you in such high regard that made me feel uncomfortable, the same way it makes me uncomfortable for my parents to know.

But anyways, you didn't want to make a big deal out of me being the example, so I don't see why I should be doing it either. I guess some things just needed to be said.

As for your libido, or lack thereof, I would attribute that to your mental health. We both know that you have some "issues", for which you're supposed to be taking medication (I don't know if you are or not, and, frankly, I don't really care, it you're body, not mine), and if my memory serves correctly, from what I learned from a relative who has the same issues, a lack of a sex drive is a side effect of this condition. It's unfortunate to have this side effect because it can lead to the problems that you facing now, but there's not alot you can do about it.

All I can really say is that for me, sex isn't everything. I may make it seem that way from time to time, but it's not true. The simple fact is that I do enjoy sex, alot, but I don't explicitly crave it. I can go without it, do the load by hand if need be, and continue my life in a normal way. But why would I do that when I have the option open to me?

Additionally, I could have chosen to not let you know about some of my more "interesting" sexual activities, but I felt that in doing that, I would be lying to you, and, to me, lying to such a close friend as you is worse than any discomfort they may feel over what I do and don't do. So that's why you know, and I know that you know.

And if I continue much longer, I'm going to confuse myself. That seems to happen alot lately.

Anyways, I'm not sure where I'm going with this or what I'm trying to say that I haven't already said, so I'm going to stop here. If you have any questions, concerns, interests, or suggestions, you know how to reach me. Feel free to ask anything you want. With only a few exceptions, I'm very open. But you have to ask to get and answer, I don't like to simply offer up information without people having asked for answers. I suppose that comes from a fear of telling them something that they don't want to know.

So, ta ta for now!
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From:mrputter
Date:April 20th, 2002 04:32 am (UTC)
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Sigh.

You did misinterpret me, as I feared.


> and text became our method of communication, for some reason, it seemed easier to

I've known about, er, "you" since long before I left. It's been pretty obvious the last couple of years. I just never brought it up.

> but the simple fact is that I do do these things, so I don't see a reason to hide them

Besides which, as I said, it's not the specifics that bother me, so much as that they exist. I don't give the proverbial flying fuck what your preferences are, so much as the fact that you have them.

> Maybe I should have been more discreet about my sexual prefrences around you, I always tried to be before

No, no, no. I'm glad you don't hide anything. I really am. Thank you for that. I only feel bad about the fact that you used to feel you had to be discreet. Don't feel that way. It truly does not change the way I feel about / relate to you.

> Maybe it's my holding you in such high regard that

Thank you, again. But it's not necessary.

> I don't mind being the example

Again, while you acknowledge the fact that I'm using you as an example, you don't seem to really understand. You (seem to be) reading more into this than I mean. You're an example, not because of the specifics of your sex life (again, I don't really care about the specifics one way or another), but because of the fact that you're one of the few good friends I have whom I knew both before and after sex became a part of their life. That is what makes you a good example, not anything else. The fact that your preferences are occasionally "outside the norm" actually makes you a poor example.

> since I'm all but positive that I am

Well, yeah. I hope you don't mind me posting this in the open (keep in mind I have no "friends" list and my journal is available for anyone to read). In my initial post, I made some attempt at making it ambiguous who I was referring to, but since you posted yourself... anyway, if you want me to remove any of this, just say the word.


...

...


...

> a lack of a sex drive is a side effect of this condition

And that's probably the most insightful thing you could have said. It's not something that occurred to me, but you may very well be right. Thank you for that. Honestly.
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