(Ok, so some might consider this in poor taste... but screw that; I find it funny)
Want power and respect? Want to influence the course
of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired
of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-
chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your
favorite opponent squirm and sweat in constant
nagging fear of instant and unexpected annihilation?
Lease a nuclear device!
In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there
are literally thousands of high-quality nuclear weapons
complete with inter-continental delivery systems going
Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive
weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a
more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years
of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most
effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation
is not normally necessary to achieve tremendous effect in
the designated target's military, political, economic and social
Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you
personally announce on state radio and television that you
have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction.
They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader
even without the secret police's encouragement.
By leasing, you not only save money developing your own
nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary
Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time
consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take
you years to acquire and build the necessary industry to
manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you
still have to design, build and test your first device before
anyone takes you seriously.
Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive
and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such
activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to
take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?
Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market,
you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international
opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts,
face economic sanctions or even military action.
With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the
weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a
target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security,
environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by
renegade generals in your own army.
The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign,
point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the
button and walk away. You can even change your target at
any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty
coup d'etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret.
Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of
authenticity and sufficient proof of actual delivery capability.
The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless
you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings
over the alternatives.
Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get
your very own button. You can do things you never thought
possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey,
and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.
Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax Corporation
for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear
Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy
(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)