January 31st, 2002

krazy kat

So I shaved off my beard last night.

A friend of mind said I should. He thought it would look better. I already hate it.

Why, oh why do I do that? Anyone makes any suggestions and I just follow them blindly, and always regret it. Especially when it comes to my hair. Dammit, I know the way I like it; why do I ignore that?

(damn, the spacebar on this keyboard is fux0red)

Anyway, my faithful readers (all 3 of you :-) may remember this lovelorn lament I made wayyy back in November. Well, it's a new term, so she's no longer in my class... but we still hang out a lot (this is important, as we shall see).

So yesterday I was talking to a friend (a different one), and he made some comment about my girlfriend.


"Your girlfriend."


"You know... Nausheen."

"Oh! (laugh) Dude, she's not my girlfriend... we just hang out."

"Well, you could have fooled me... I mean, you guys are ALWAYS together. And you're ALWAYS off by yourselves somewhere. And you're ALWAYS giggling at each other. And both of you have like, withdrawn from your other friends. And you ALWAYS eat together. And..."


"I mean, I just assumed... Amal thought so too. And so did Tariq. And Nausheen's friend Mona figured..."


"... okay, so she's not your girlfriend. Forget I said anything."

I kinda spent the next couple hours in a daze. I had never really thought about it until then, but everything he said is pretty much true. We do always totally hang out together, off in our own world.

So now what? I had pretty much resolved not to bring it up with her. Just cuz... of the danger factor more than anything else. But...?

Is it possible that we are growing / have grown so close to each other over the last six months that it's happening anyway (listen in on some of our conversations some time, and you'd know what I mean)? I mean, if to all outward appearances we are going out (or whatever passes for that around here), might I just take the next step anyway? I mean, that's where the danger lies, really. Asking her is no longer dangerous (in the sense that it was when I wrote that post). But appearing that way can be just as dangerous (if not more so). The government officially frowns on it and while I can get away with a lot more here in the university than I could outside, all it would take would be a slip of the tongue to her parents, and... oops. Jail time for mrputter (Depending, of course, on how conservative her parents are. I've never met them). Or if a cop happens to walk by and we're a little too engrossed in each other...

But like I said, if that's how it appears anyway...

Meaning I'm presented with the hurdle of asking a "friend" to be "more than friends." Any discussion of that merits a post all on its own. Which I'll probably never get around to. Suffice it to say that I've never had a successful relationship (by any definition of the term) develop out of a pre-existing friendship. Invariably things go downhill... and not only does the relationship not work out, but I pretty much kill the friendship.

Not that we end up hating each other, but... well... there are some things that you can't pretend never happened. There's no big "Undo" button floating in the sky, in the Real World. And friendships never really work out when there's that kind of a history.

I much prefer asking out people that I don't have any investment in. So if it dies, it dies, and that's that. I would have preferred asking her back in November. But I didn't. And now...

And now.

And now I think I value the friendship more than I want a piece of ass.
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