March 15th, 2003

wailing wall

Random Whiny Teenage-angsty Crap

Trust me, you don't want to know.
Well, if you're sure... (but don't say I didn't warn you).

Ok, well. First. My utter and complete lack of self-esteem has led me to believe that everyone on campus hates me and just wishes I would go the hell away. Which I know is utter BS, but repeating that over and over to myself is not helping.

And then, there's the one person whom I know hates me, but won't -- for whatever reason -- come out and admit the fact. But oh, will they ever sabotage me behind my back. Now they do have good reason, mind you. I was more than a bit of an ass towards them. Well, I did one rather stupid thing, then immediately tried to recover from it by doing an even stupider thing. And finally, tried to fix it all by doing a really colossally stupid thing. Made worse by the fact that I've been a bit of a jerk in the meantime. And besides, there are some things for which you just can't apologize and make everything better.

Which is not to say that I haven't tried. Oh God, have I ever tried. I have tried to talk to them; I've tried to apologize, to extend whatever olive branch I know how to. Unfortunately, said person doesn't have the basic honesty to admit to me they dislike me... a starting point from which I can patch things up. No, they just sit there coldly, saying not much of anything, giving off "don't talk to me" vibes. This demeanor not, I'm sure, helped by my general incompetence at expressing myself in person.

Which sucks mostly because they used to be such a good friend. But again, I can't really blame them. I have one and only one person to blame there.

And then, there are the two clubs on the executive boards of which I serve. In the case of the first, we have my co-member on whom I depend for a lot of things that I am simply unable to do at all myself. The self-same co-member who for the past two weeks has been sitting doing nothing. Who, despite my whining, pleading, begging, cajoling, threatening and otherwise attempting to spur into action, has lifted nary a finger. Because, as they claim, they don't have the time. Which again, comes as no surprise. After all, they are undertaking the herculean task of a seven-course semester. But dammit... why couldn't they have told me this earlier?

I mean, at the beginning of the semester, we both knew they were going to be taking seven courses. I knew they were going to seriously run out of time. "Are you sure?" says I. "Will you have the time?" says I. "Yes," say they, "I'm sure." I said quite plainly that I would totally understand if they didn't want to get involved; that I was willing to drop the whole thing right then and there, no hard feelings. Seven courses... were they going to have the time? But I was assured on top of assurances that no problem; I would be able to count on them. That they would do all that was necessary. So I gave them one last chance, making sure to explicate that once we got the ball rolling, I would be counting on them to do their part. And I was again assured that they would have the time.

And now I find that for two weeks, nothing has been done... why? Because they have no time. Waaah! Why now? Why? After I've given my personal assurances to everyone from the advisor to the Dean of Students that we would be doing something this semester.

I could cry.

I could seriously cry.

Because then there's the other club. The one in which I am in fact equipped to do things. And the one in which I have been doing things, only to be bitched at from all quarters that I was doing EVERYTHING, and not leaving anything for anyone else to do and they were all feeling left out, feeling that it was just Sean and <Club VP>'s private party.

Well, fair enough; that was a perfectly valid complaint. So I sat back, did not much of anything for a while; came to the meetings, indicated what needed to be done to keep the club running and the events happening, and in a fair and democratic manner we sorted out who was to do what. Followed by a whole lot of nothing. For four weeks, nobody did anything. Nothing that needed to get done got done. And what little DID get done, because it NEEDED to get done, only happened because I sat on the back of the person in charge, babysitting them and pushing them until they actually produced the bare minimum.

At which point, I (admittedly only somewhat) reluctantly decided that things that needed to happen weren't, and that since someone had to do them, and I was the only one who had been able to so far, and that since it was more work for me when I didn't do them, that I would start taking over again.

Only to be met by a resumed howling that everyone else was feeling left out and wanted to quit the club. Which continues to this day.

...which I only wish was the sort of problem I had with my film project. The one that has been on semi-permanent "stall" for far too long now. Because... why? I'm not sure. We have a finished script, true. That we've had for two weeks now. We have the two lead actors lined up... again for a couple weeks now. And as for everything else... well, we're all revved up and ready to go... but for some reason neither my partner or I seem to be able to pull ourselves out of this crippling lethargy to actually. start. filming.

Arrrrgh!!! What does it take??? Why can't we just sit down and start DOING this damn film?

Today (or tomorrow? something like that) is the half-way point in this semester. We are so running out of time. I don't want to be trying to finish up this thing right in the middle of final exams. I need to make progress NOW! Why can't I???

...and speaking of running out of time, I am being exquisitely frustrated by this whole process of applying to Canadian universities. What with a good two-to-three-week gap between my sending documents and them receiving it, it's like working in slow-motion. Well, the alternative of course, would be to courier everything, but that is so prohibitively expensive...

So while I've been accepted into two places (SFU is being rather non-communicative and I've pretty much given up on them), it's taking ages and ages and ages to determine how many credits I'll be able to transfer. And really, that's the thing on which everything else hinges. But except for some vague unofficial comments earlier on in the process, I seriously have no clue how many credits I'll lose. And until I know that, I have no idea where I'm going to go. And until that, I can't start on other arrangements that really need to be made.



And of course, topped all off by the fact that I have dick fucking nobody to talk to. Since they all hate me, remember?

But even that aside, everyone here has their own problems to worry about, they don't need mine added on top of them. Well, that, and most people wouldn't have much to constructively say, anyway. And finally, most people just don't want to hear it.

Aaah. It's driving me beyond tears.

I hate this fucking place. I can't wait to get out of here.
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