June 5th, 2014

clean ALL the things?

After all is said and after all is done / God only knows which of them I'll become

Compartmentalization. It can be a strange thing sometimes.

So a little while (6 weeks or so) back, I helped a friend get a job at AWA.

That’s. A bit of a strange thing, in and of itself. For multiple reasons. But is also not the point of this post.

The point is... I don’t know, entirely.

It’s interesting, the way in which we (“We?” Or just “I?” Maybe this is just me?) compartmentalize things. And, uh, people. Without intending to; without even realizing it, until the fact is thrust in our faces.

And so as I’ve discovered, I apparently have a mental compartment for “friends,” and another for “coworkers,” and the boundary between them is not nearly so permeable as I might have previously anticipated.

And so now my erstwhile friend sits in this weird neither-here-nor-there purgatorial zone of being both but also being neither. And I suddenly have no idea how to relate to her. It’s not deliberate of course. Indeed I would entirely rather this not be an issue. But ahhh if only I could just will my brain to work in a certain way...

Instead her desk is right there beside my office, and I spend almost the entire day ignoring? her. And I notice it. I notice how I treat her different from all my other coworkers. And I’m angry at myself for it. And I wish I knew how to change that; how to deal with her either as with my other coworkers, or as a friend like she used to be.

But in the meantime, every interaction feels forced. Because every interaction is something I have to force myself into. Because I’m just apparently incapable of dealing with this sudden abutment of “friend” into the workplace.

Uh, help?
wailing wall

Children grown on the edge of the ocean / Kept like jewelry kept with devotion

And now...

And now I’m pretty sure I have an apology to write.

And now I really really can’t put this off, can’t procrastinate any more.

And now I need to address this crushing, devastating guilt that’s been hanging over me for a week, causing me to stop what I’m doing and swear at myself every couple of minutes.

And now... fuck.