NB: This post is full of introspective and rather personal garbage. Which is not to say I don't want anyone reading it (else why would I post it at all?), but rather that if you don't want to hear my pseudo-philosohpical whining, you might be better advised to skip this one.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Girls and Boys.
Am I a prude?
Or am I just getting old?
Or, not to put too fine a point on it, what the hell is wrong with me?
Is it that I am just suffering from a lack of gonads (you want strife with that?), or am I trying to disassociate my mind from the body that inevitably follows it? The topic of today's show is SEX and why I would rather avoid it altogether. The lines are open; caller one?
You're gonna burn in hell, you fucking fag! Repent now, or feel the wrath of our Lord and Sav...
Thank you for that insightful contribution to the discussion, caller one. Next caller, please?
What's the matter; can't get lil' putter up and going anymore?
No, I wish it was that simple... they have pills for that now. No, I can still get my daily load........ actually, let's get on with the discretion here; we have that R rating to maintain. But that's totally not the problem.
The problem is that I don't want to.
No, scratch that. The problem isn't with my current (lack of) sex life at all, per sé (and that, as we shall see, is part of the problem). It's with everyone else I know. It's with my unwillingness and/or refusal to see anyone else as a sexual being. More to the point, it's with my wishing that sexual desires in human beings didn't exist.
Like I said, am I just a prude?
Now I will be referring to a friend of mine in the following several minutes, who may recognize themselves, if they are listening in. I wish to take this opportunity to stress that none of what I say is personal (or rather, that it means anything beyond exactly what I say it does), that I do not think less of them as a person, that I do not dislike who they are, and so on. I hope they will realize this and that offense is not meant by what I have to say at all.
They are being used as an example (because they happen to make a good one), not as a target.
Now I have known this friend for a long time, since considerably before either of us could believably lay claim to being sexual beings, at least outside of the schoolyard-tall-tale context.
Over the years, as both of us have grown and (naturally) developed sexual appetites, we have remained close friends (the fact that I haven't seen this person face-to-face in 8 months notwithstanding). And I value this person as a friend more than almost anyone else in the world. However, I find some of this person's sexual preferences... disquieting.
And that's gonna take one hell of a lot of qualifying.
I am not disgusted. I do not wish that I didn't know about them. I do not want anything to change in my relationship with them as a result of this discussion. I just wish... that... I dunno. I wish they didn't have sexual desires, I guess?
Because it's not their specific sexual proclivities that disquiet me, so much as the fact that they exist, as screwy as that sounds.
And again, I am using this person as an example. I don't wish that just this one specific person was like that... I wish everyone was like that. The fact that people (in general) have sex is... dammit! Why can't they just stop!?
It's a bit like that one day when you realize that your parents have sex. Ewww!
Am I just a prude?
But back to my friend. What do I wish? In one sense, I wish I could turn back the clock. Because that's what brought all this on. About half an hour ago, I picked a random CD out of my (somewhat extensive, as many of you know) collection and threw it on the player... it happened to be Ace of Base's "The Sign." In the summer of 1994, I saw this friend a good deal, and we played this album a lot (both having recently bought it). So putting it on just now brought the memories flooding back.
And they were very good memories... at which point I realized that (among other things) they were devoid of almost any sexual context whatsoever. Which set me to thinking. And brought on this whole introspection (or extrospection; as you like it).
Sure we used to look at pr0n and stuff. Hell, we used to look at my dad's pr0n in my basement years before that, even. But that's not what I'm talking about... not for the most part, anyway. I'm talking about... well, I don't know where to draw the line. But I'm talking about more "reality-based" stuff. Whatever that means.
It's like me and my girlfriend (I'm pretty sure none of my former girlfriends are tuned in to tonight's broadcast, so I guess I don't have to be as careful, or something). Yeah, I've had a couple of them.
And have we ever had sex? Have we ever made love? Have we ever screwed? Have we ever done the nasty? Have we ever done "couple-things?"
Have. We. Ever. FUCKED?
Well, of course.
But it's never been anywhere near the highlight of any of my relationships. With a number of them, we never even got around to haveing sex; it just wasn't that big a deal.
And I guess that's the way I liked it. But never really consciously realized it until now.
We'd go and screw on occasion, but outside of that, we always had other non-sexual ways of occupying each other and being intimate. And outside of the sexual act itself, never really discussed it much.
Wow. I'm realizing most of these things as I go along.
And again, that's the way I like it. I prefer to think of people completely devoid of their sexual aspects. And for the most part I do think of people like that. But often (and more and more as I -- and my friends -- get older) something will happen, or be said, to relieve me of my perfect non-sexual world. And I'm always more than a little disappointed to be brought back down to Earth like that.
And it's not stuff like "me and my girlfriend went out and...". Girlfriends (or boyfriends, as the case may be) I'm totally cool with. But thinking of my guy friends as sexual beings is just somehow... gross. Now some might chalk that up to latent homophobia. But I feel the same way about girl friends as well, and am not yet ready to ascribe that to any sort of hidden heterophobia. Or (when it comes to my church friends) to ministerphobia...
Scratch that last.
But equally hard (and equally strange, perhaps) is thinking of myself like that. It's like a tap that I just want to shut off all the time. It's like wishing that my whole sexual urges didn't exist at all. As if I were only a mind, devoid of body and all the problems that body brings. Yeah, yeah, sex is healthy, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm still trying to float free of the tethers that bind me to a corporeal, sexual life.
So I tend to wonder if this is why I like it so much here in the UAE. Because in a strictly fundamental Islamic culture, where sex is such a big taboo, all my friendships ARE devoid of sexual context. I am able to treat other people -- and myself -- as people, not as flesh. Is that why I like it here? Is that why, over the last several years before I came back, I had been feeling ever increasingly "homesick" for this place? And why I now feel so relieved to be here? And why thinking about my infinitely less inhibited friends back in Canada troubles me so much? Have I "gone native?"
Has this place completely spoiled me?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with me?
Caller three, you're on the air.